How My Sister is Alive
Written July 2008
My sister is alive in my dreams. I dream about my sister nearly every night. She left this earth almost three years ago after she had fought a long and hard battle with breast cancer. Although it seems like she left me only yesterday, three years is a good amount of time and that makes me wonder why I am still dreaming about her almost every night.
I think there might be several explanations for my dreams. I might just miss and love her so much that I still make her come alive in my dreams. Or maybe I feel guilty for not having made it to her hospital bed in time so we could talk and say good-bye before she died. Another possibility might be that she is trying to communicate with me to tell me something that she still needs to say to me. Or maybe I am just still in denial about having lost her.
I miss my sister so much. I miss her touch on my shoulder, her conversations with me, her bright big smile, her raising hell with everyone and the sound of her laughter. I miss her calling me from Alabama just to tell me to watch something on television, or to complain about our siblings, or to share the latest gossip. I wish so much that she were still alive. When I’m awake I know she is not. That must be my left brain telling me it just cannot be that she is alive because she is buried in her home town in Lowell. But when I fall asleep it all changes and I see her as if she were alive, and she is real. I can see her, I can hear her, and I can talk to her. So perhaps when I sleep only my left brain is asleep, and my right brain has actually woken up.
My right brain also could be the part of my brain that feels guilty, and my left brain doesn’t let me feel that guilt when I’m awake. My sister wasn’t allowed to leave this world with dignity and in comfort . She suffered in a horrific way in the last few minutes of her life. She was in a hospital. She was doing quite well in the morning and was talking to my mother who was visiting her. Then she was fed applesauce containing a pill by an impatient nurse. The nurse didn’t wait until she had swallowed each portion and just kept forcing more into her mouth, even over the protest of my mother. Then she sucked some of the applesauce down into her windpipe and started choking. She couldn’t get it back up and began to lose her breath. My mother knew she was in bad trouble and called me. My husband and I had already arrived in town for a visit and we were on our way to the hospital, expecting to talk to my sister and have a good visit. Instead we got a frantic call to hurry up. We did, but by the time we got to my sister’s bedside she couldn’t communicate with me any more. I could tell she knew the end was coming. I could also tell she still wanted to say something to me. But she never could. She died in my arms and shed one last tear before she left me forever.
Deep down I know I feel guilty about not having come to the hospital earlier. I should have taken less time to get ready and left the Motel as soon as we woke up in the morning. To deal with that guilt my left brain must be telling my right brain not to feel those terrible moments when I’m awake. But when I’m asleep my right brain starts dealing with the guilt. One dream I recall over and over in my is hearing her being upset at my family and me. We were all back home at my mom’s house. She was upset with us for burying her alive. And all I remember is that she rolled her eyes at me; nobody could say things with their eyes like my sister. And she snapped at me: “you could have least checked to see if I was still breathing.” I never spoke back. She just continued cussing me out. I never knew how she got out of the casket. I just felt relieved that she was back with me. This is how my right brain tries to not feel guilty. It just dreams that she is alive and never died.
After I lost my sister my dreams at first seemed very real. I would hear her natural voice as if the conversation were in the present moment. I would always wake up with very strong emotions. I would feel exhausted, upset, happy, or really sad. These emotions felt like I was losing her all over again each time after I had a dream about her.
Almost three years later my dreams about my sister have become happier. Recently I dreamt that she was getting married. I don’t know who her groom was and he wasn’t in my dream. It was just me and her. She had already bought her wedding gown and a gown for me . She had gotten herself one of the most elegant and sexy white gowns I’ve ever seen.. It had laces and lots of pearls in the front and opened in a V-shape right to the breast-line. You could see her skin through the lace. It had an open back. The gown ended about 5 inches from her feet. She looked so beautiful in her white wedding gown!
She had gotten a purple dress for me. Purple was her favorite color. The purple dress was cut and made exactly like her wedding gown. When I saw the dress I said: “I can’t wear this dress, Pepsi, I’m not supposed to outdress the bride.” She turned her head as high as she could over her shoulder and said: “You will never outdo me! So wear the dress”. I remember just smiling. I even woke up with that smile on my face. That was one of the first happy dreams I’ve had about my sister. Maybe my right brain is beginning to deal with the guilt and is replacing it with happier feelings.
I still dream about my sister almost every night. It’s been close to three years since she has died in real live and that she is only alive in my dreams. I’ve had so many dreams already but I’m still waiting for the one dream in which she will tell me that she is alright. I think that is what she wanted to tell me in that last minute before she died. I think when she tells me she is alright my left brain will no longer have to keep my right brain asleep when I’m awake. And maybe then I’ll be able to accept that she has died but is still alive within me even when I’m awake.